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BEING KIND TO DIFFICULT PEOPLE --
You're just angry now because you have time.
You'll forget all about it soon enough.

I have heard this recently about the protestors on the streets of the world.

"Well, you know, school's out; kids need something to do." This is combined with a kind of "these kids these days" shake of the head.

An entire movement is reduced to "kids with nothing better to do."

I heard this very sentiment applied to the "Troubles" in N. Ireland. My parents and their friends said this about the hippies fighting to end the war and the civil rights movement. I heard people say this about apartheid protestors both here and in South Africa. I've heard people say this about the downing of the Berlin Wall. I've heard people say this about the violent protests against Putin.

This is something Foghorn Leghorn says in cartoons!

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But here's the thing --
Would England have given the Irish the right to vote if there weren't protests? Allowed parliament to reopen?
Would the wall have fallen in Berlin?
Would the Vietnam War have ended? Would the civil rights of our fellow Americans changed at all?
Would apartheid have ever come apart without the protests?
As for Putin, that nut may take time to unwind but it's only a matter of time.

Peaceful protest is the only way things have ever changed in our world. That's just a fact.

And here's another fact -- any war or protest started in anger will fail. Anger fades. This is so true that it's even a tenant in the military treatise "the Art of War" by Sun Tzu.

What do you do when you hear someone (or even your own mind) dismiss the efforts to create change?

My guess is that you'll be tempted just to smile, nod, and move away. But in order for real change to happen, these people need to get off the sidelines.

You cannot fight these people ideologically. They don't know enough to argue so will stick to basics -- "breaking the law is bad", "you know I'm right" or whatever people have said for centuries.

A good way to do it is to employ a technique that I call a "fact drive by." In this technique, you drop a fact bomb on someone and leave it alone. Let them think about it for a while. They're likely to come back to you and tell you the fact, as if they'd come up with it on their own. But what do you care? This is bigger than getting credit.

Facts that might work:
* "Peace protests are the reason we no longer have a feudal system of government."

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* "Of course, you know that African-Americans and Latinx people aren't treated the same as white people." (This is a technique of providing someone with new information in the form of "you already know this.")

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One last thing to think about -- what are you doing to stabilize these movements? Yes, you.

How will you feel in six months when you're asked to pay more in taxes so that someone else can live a more just life? Are you supporting the leaders in your state and city who are trying to make change?

WE can stabilize this movement or we can dismiss it and let it fade. It's literally up to us.

I know where I stand. Where do you stand? Think about it. Now is the time to decide.

Posted at 05:15 AM in Kindness | Permalink

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Being Kind to difficult people -- a mini course -- You're doing this wrong (part five)

BEING KIND TO DIFFICULT PEOPLE -- You're doing this wrong.

There's a lot of finger wagging going around right now.

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"If you don't post these three words on your timeline, you're a racist." "You should read this book." "You should listen to this." "Oh, obviously, you didn't read this right."

ARGGGG!!

Now, I'm pretty used to being judged. I'm very used to not fitting in. But the finger wagging makes me want to scream.

Here's the thing: There's a lot of shame going around.

We're ashamed of doing too little or doing too much. We're ashamed of what we know. We're ashamed of what we didn't know. We can't talk about racism now because in the past we used whitening creams or dated that guy or said that stupid thing or forwarded that meme or...

A lot of people would say that we should be ashamed. After all, knowingly or unknowingly, we benefit from systematic racism..

But here's the problem -- shame stops us from acting.

No one ever did anything because they had a finger wagged at them. As soon as the "should" word comes out, people shut down.

The world doesn't need your shame. The world needs your action -- fundamental or extraordinary.

(Okay breathe. Take another breath. Let's continue.)

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Now certainly, you can respond with a finger of your own.

Or you can kindly realize that this is a person in extraordinary pain.

By judging you, they are leaking off their own guilt, fear, and shame. Is it right? Of course not.

But it is human.

We all grow at our own pace. We've all done stupid, thoughtless things that we feel ashamed of. Venting your shame onto others is not a healthy way to grow.

We cannot change the judgers and finger waggers. We can only change ourselves. But how?

In order to move out of shame and into action, we must learn to forgive ourselves. It's okay to not know something. It's not okay to refuse to learn.

As Maya Angelou said to Oprah, "When you know better, you do better."

This can either be a time of great shame or a time of great learning. It's up to you to determine what it will be for you.

Will you stay in a state of shame and blame?
Or will you grow and learn?

The more you move out of your own shame, the more you'll be able to be kind to those who are in great pain.

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Posted at 05:15 PM in Kindness | Permalink

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Being Kind to difficult people -- a mini course -- You have no reason to be SO angry (part four)

BEING KIND TO DIFFICULT PEOPLE - mini-course --
You have no reason to be so angry.
 
"You have no reason to be SO angry." I heard this the first time when I was in fifth grade after I caught the teacher in a lie. I angrily asked her why she lied, and she told me that I had no reason to be SO angry. When I defended my feelings -- after all she had lied -- she started in on "it's not that you're angry, it's that you're SO angry."
 
Sound familiar? If you live in the US, you are hearing a lot of this today. Clean, safe, well paid, makeup clad people with well coifed hair say a variety of: "It's not that they protest, it's that they are SO angry." All the other folks perfect hair moves as they nod in agreement.
 
"It's the antifa" which is a statement akin to saying: "It's the bogyman." You suck in a breath and want to scream: "IT'S NOT ABOUT THEM" or "THERE IS NO ANTIFA." Suddenly, you're "too angry."
 
Here's the thing -- anger is a primary emotion. We all feel it in reaction to being violated emotionally, mentally, physically, or psychically. Anger is natural. Anger is normal. Anger is appropriate. Anger is a powerful, flowing emotion that must be released or risk that anger turning into bitterness and blocking our progress.
 
Buddhist priest, Pema Chodron, says that anger is where our power and our beauty resides. People who refuse to feel their anger are cut off from their own power. The work then becomes making friends with your anger. By making friends with your own anger, you begin to embrace the very power that will move you and this nation forward.
 
Some things to think about:
 
1. No one can say that you should or shouldn't feel something. You feel what you feel based on your life experiences and temperament. Unless the person is with you, inside your body, for all of your life, they simply cannot judge the strength of your feelings. If no one can judge the strength of your emotions, how can you judge the strength of someone else's emotions?
 
2. There is no them. If "they" are angry, it's worth asking yourself why you aren't angry? No, really, if a large part of the population is angry and you aren't, it's worth asking why? Maybe this isn't your issue, but you're furious about the environment or child slavery or domestic violence or sex trafficking or...? How can you ask "them" to show up for the injustice you're angry about if you don't care about what "they" are angry about? Give it up. Join the "us." You wouldn't refuse their lung, if you needed it. Why do you refuse to see what they are angry about?
 
What to say when someone says: "They/You are just too angry."?
1. "God bless the angry. They change the world." This is actually true. People who are angry ignite change by shaking the foundations of their world. Your country was likely forged in the anger of your ancestors. Most religions start talking about "love" but are created in the rage of their participants. Rage forces change.
 
2. "Don't judge." This simple statement has tremendous power. You simply refuse to listen to it. Bam.
 
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4. In the words of Barack Obama: "If, going forward, we can channel our justifiable anger into peaceful, sustained, and effective action, then this moment can be a real turning point in our nation’s long journey to live up to our highest ideals." That's a little long winded. You could try "What do you think is effective action against the injustices you experience?" or "How do you think we can begin to live up to our countries highest ideas?"
 
One of the things that terrifies me the most is that we will go through all of this -- the riots, the pandemic, income equality, racial profiling, police violence, not to mention millions of Americans out of work looking at the chance that 41% of their jobs won't return -- and nothing will change.
 
When everything fell apart in 2008, most people expected the world would change toward being more equitable. Without the visible and visceral power of our rage, governments fell back on old systems and old ways to cram everything back into the box.
 
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Now is the time for us to use our rage to create equality for all. It takes a lot to change the world. Some will march. Some will write letters. Some with help us dream of a better world. Some will provide resources. Some will stand up for others. We each have a roll to play. If your role is: "I don't judge their anger. How would I know?" (another good thing to say), then that's enough.
 
Has this happened to you? Have people judged your anger? What would you say?

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